Hanging out in the deep end

Like most stories, I realized this was an actual story when replaying the events of a day to Loverpants at 1:30 a.m. as we tried to muffle our laughter in an effort to not to wake up the kids. So last week I invited several mama friends to come to the downtown pool with us. Which means that I went solo to the downtown pool because my mama friends have their kids in Organized Programming, whereas mine are involved in Netflix. We do love the downtown pool but it is a lot of work to schlepp downtown with all the pool gear. Oy to the vey.

The upside of going solo is that if my kids are acting the fool, I'm an audience of one and the rest of the folks at the downtown pool are strangers.

The downside of going solo is if I need to change my tampon. Then I have an audience of two in a bathroom stall that smells like chlorine and fungus and the floor is wet with fluids of unimaginable combinations.

This story is not about tampons, however. Sorry for those we've already lost.

[showmyads]

This story is about the deep end at the downtown pool. In the deep end are two very impressive inflatable structures that float on the water. The first structure is a truly impressive jungle gym. It reminds me a bit of the obstacle course from the Nickelodeon game show Double Dare that was popular in the late '80s. Remember the whipped cream pit at the end of the slide? What's that? You weren't even alive in the '80s? Kay. Bye.

Anyway, the jungle gym requires that swimmers be of a certain height. Baby Girl measured herself last week and she was shy of the mark by a good three inches. This week, however, she was determined that she had grown. We did back to the wall and it appears the growth spurt was less than astronomical because she still appeared to be 3 inches shy of the mark.

"But, Mama, maybe just check to see if Little Man is tall enough. Because Daddy said his head is bigger than mine."

After measuring Little Man, it appears that his remarkable noggin did not, in fact, clear him for the jungle gym eligibility after all.

The second structure on the water is a giant inflatable pyramid. One one side, stairs. On the other, a slide. Boss, right?

I asked the kids if they wanted to see their mama climb the pyramid and slide down the slide. They flipped for the idea. As we passed the lifeguard, who looked EXACTLY like Spicoli, leans off his chair and looks at me and says, "You know they can go on this one."

Which to me means, your kids can go scale this pyramid thing even though they can barely find their own mouths with a fork somedays.

So I said, Okay, thanks!

And then I had my kids stand next to Spicoli's chair while I waited in line for my rightful turn to scale the pyramid.

Just as I am about to get my turn to dive into the water, Spicoli dismounts his chair and a new lifeguard takes over. So now both lifeguards are looking at me and I dive in.

But somewhere between the moment my feet leave the edge of the pool and when my head comes up in the water for air, both lifeguards are yelling NOOOOWAAAAYYWHAAARRRYOUUUDOOOWAAIATWEEESAIIDWHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

I still have no idea what they're saying so I tread water in the deep end and look puzzled, while my kids look on from the sides thinking, Wow. Is Mom kind of a loser right now, or?

Finally the new lifeguard says, "Ma'am, have you taken the swim test?"

Hmm. Swim test. I have to think for a moment. Let's see. Ohio driver's license test. Check. SAT. LSAT. GRE. Check, check, check. Exam to sell life insurance in Massachusetts. Exam to broker stocks in United States. Pregnancy Test. All those? Check check check.

But the swim test at the downtown pool? No! Hahah! Imagine? Somehow I missed that! Here I am in my twirties, fully capable of swimming the front crawl against heavy ocean waves and aren't I conceited to think that I didn't have to take a test for the deep end of a municipal pool.

At this point, the new lifeguard says, "Sorry, if you want to hang out in the deep end without a life jacket, you've got to go see the lifeguard standing by the kiddie pool and she'll get you all tested."

Hang out in the deep end? OH YEAH! That is my jam! I am totally wanting to hang out here in the deep end like an ant at a picnic. Oh, but thing is, see, I have these children with me, the ones standing next to you in life jackets? And all they wanted to do was see their mom slide down this water slide and cheer for joy.

But instead, I am swimming with my tail between my legs to go meet my kids.

Spicoli, ever the comforter, leans over and says, "Sorry, Ma'am, I thought you were just standing in line with your kid. Haha."

So I told him to go back to eating his pizza and learning about Cuba.

Not really.

But I was so huffy about not getting to slide down the pyramid that I didn't even take the swim test.

Proving to my children that some of us are just too cool for safety.

So cool, in fact, that we end up spending the rest of the day in the kiddie pool. So there! Take that!

Vacation Rewind

I'm going to attempt to do here something I've never done before. This is going to be very edgy, people. I hear it may even be illegal in three states and some of the more wintry provinces of Canada. I'm going to tell you the story of our vacation. In rewind. From the end, to the beginning.

So where shall we end? Ah yes, let's end with the sun shining and the landlord girls mowing our lawn.

Wow, that was anti-climactic.

Then I found a bag of watermelon gummy sours. BAM! Cliffhanger!

Ha. Okay. So, when we left Tybee Island this morning, Loverpants asked our besties Eunis and Jeff (aka Euniseff) if we were all still friends. They laughed in a pained way, Oh, haha! Of course we're still friends...and then they made a quick beeline for their car and waved good-bye from behind the safety of their car windows, while Little Man threw a hissy on the rocky ground of the parking lot, possibly having a sugar crash from eating an ice cream sandwich for breakfast and Baby Girl nursed a wound from misjudging the distance between her head and my camera lens, begging us not to take her out to lunch by the riverside, because what could possibly be worse treatment than for a human than to be taken to a last hurrah lunch in posh Savannah?

Prior to that, we had THE BEST TIME at the beach. We suffered sunburn every single day but we still had THE BEST TIME at the beach.

Somewhere in the midst of all that beachcombing, we ate a lot of fruit and marshmallows and ice cream sandwiches. We had a lot of laughs about delinquent shuttles and Tiger Mom games.

Loverpants and I got to go to a wedding on Saturday night while Euniseff tended to our chipmunks. We paid them back by letting them go home after the vacation and giving them the choice to never answer our phonecalls again.

The wedding was remarkable, like floating around in one big love bubble. Congrazzles, Ash and Tuba!

When we arrived to Tybee Island, we found these quarters and decided that we would come back here every year. But only if we don't drive Euniseff away.

On our way to Tybee Island, I admonished Little Man to use the facilities. Baby Girl shared in the admonishment and told him, "Listen to your body, Little Man!" to which he replied, "It's not saying anything."

When we left home for vacation, we were so excited!!

The beginning.

P.S. Eunis and Jeff are the best people a FamiLee could ask to be vacation buddies with--we miss y'all already, Euniseff!

Dear Cousin Justin

Thank you so much for spending your hard-earned paid time off from sourcing Canada with raw fuels to come and visit us here in our little pocket of Eastern Tennessee sweetness. We hope you are recovered from early morning sounds of our children caterwauling in the kitchen as well as the oft-repeated chorus of whining for more mini-marshmallows.

I have a sneaking suspicion you discovered some crumbs from "super hard bread" in your pants pockets, or at least an errant steam engine trinket in your luggage. The kids are still quite dazzled with your abilities to guzzle so many liters of sweet tea and not have to pee every 3.5 seconds as they do all day.

By the way, I hope you still managed to see the majority of Rock City in spite of the fact that a makeshift port-o-potty was erected by my two children every five paces. Good grief. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Maybe in the coming weeks, a little part of you will long for veggie turkey loaf or a nutter fluffer sandwich or that pickled okra you left in our fridge.

In those times of longing, just think of us and say a prayer for us as we will for you and dream of the time when we can drive our hoopty Canyonero up to your hinterland of a province and experience all the delights that you and your love Angie adore in Calgary. We can't wait. We probably will all be able to hold our fluids better then, and maybe we won't watch as much "Busytown," but we'll still be your American FamiLee, raggedy crazed party of four.

Love you lots, Favorite Cousin!

- The FamiLee in Tennessee