Reasons the Neighborhood FB Group's Moderator is Resigning

1. 1. The lost dog posts were starting to be triggering.
   2. In the last six months, 89% of responses were GIFs.
   3. Every suspicious person post was grounds for a Key and Peele skit.
   4. Refereeing the For Sale posts that wandered into the community posts THERE IS A SEPARATE GARAGE SALE GROUP FOR THAT, FOR THE LOVE was becoming a full-time job.
   5. Grandma. Are you really asking what the library’s hours are here? You found your way to Facebook. WHY CAN’T YOU FIND YOUR WAY TO THE GOOGLE?

6. The surveillance photos of the crossing guard at Humperdink and Wolf were all becoming microaggressions.

7. The bellyaching post about cars that park too close to the apron of the driveways (THE HELL IS A DRIVEWAY APRON) on Huckleberry Road were going nowhere.

8. Why can’t people just use punctuation in their longggg descriptions, e.g. “the teens that are always smoking you know the teens the ones that smoke and are always loitering around the library you know the branch near Huckleberry Road where the cars are always parked well beyond the apron you know what a driveway apron is”?? 9. The call for plumber recommendations was evidence why America cannot: a.) use the search button b.) make informed decisions without the hive-mind c.) understand why plumbers are paid far better than, say, everyone despite the fact that without them we will die.

10. She and her family are moving to a remote area of the frozen tundra where they will live off-grid.

Generation X mother seeks professional handler to restage her life as Digital Native

Deprived of the social media network to document her every milestone (due to its regrettable non-existence during peak milestone gathering years), Generation X mother seeks a complete restaging of her life for the last 36 years in order to achieve parity with Digital Native Children she is raising. Willing to pay for services that include:

Backlog of photo documentation of the following feats: - fair compare of first and last days of school for each grade level, K-12 - close-up portraits upon the loss of each tooth; before/after of all orthodontic treatments - reveal of t-shirt sporting message “I’m a Big Sister” upon the birth of each younger sibling Note: All photo captions should be prefaced with, “And just like that…[she was a 4th grader/she had no more baby teeth/we were a family of 5, etc.]”

Leveling Up of all Birthday Parties Whereas matching She-Ra paper plates and party hats once sufficed for “themed birthday party,” this is no longer Instagram adequate. Please coordinate all parties henceforth with the requisite photo booth, rustic signage, and mason jar centerpieces.

Reenactment of Marriage Proposal/Wedding Proposal should be orchestrated to include some element of surprise but with ample warning for Gen X mom (wearing full make-up, couture ensemble) to look both graceful and shocked, and so as not to clash with Gen X dad (wearing lumberjack chic). Professional photography/videography should capture event within context of larger narrative of unique love story Note: Custom hashtag should populate all video/images

Reenactment of Each Pregnancy so as to afford time and resources for restaging of Gender Reveal (since pulling live baby out of birth canal is no longer adequate determination and is regrettably devoid of pastel-colored cupcakes); Glamorous Photoshoot that blurs lines between boudoir and senior portrait styles; Nursery photo tour on blog to showcase parental readiness for human life form that will not be able to appreciate Noah’s Ark theme for 2-4 more years.

Preferential treatment will be given to all applicants who indicate Millennial mindset or generational affiliation.

Compensation commensurate with uptick in Instagram follows for Gen X mom.

Girlfriend's Guide to an Alien Invasion at Costco

The following are marks of suspected aliens that may appear trolling the aisles of Costco.* This guide is neither complete nor to be taken seriously.

• Says to greeter, “I don’t have a membership card. I just want to spend money here-- is that not enough?”
• Does not purchase toilet paper, did not forget
• Passes leather sectionals and/or flat screen TVs without mentioning something about a football or a bachelorette.
• Children in cart are neither asleep nor ill-behaved
• Overheard on cell phone, “I just wandered into this little spot where you can buy a lifetime supply of Cheez-Its. What’s that? No. Not sure what it’s called. I’ll ask.”
• Asks for a map of sample stands
• Appears to be trying to run in for a few things and run back out
• Lingers beyond 4 seconds in the chilled produce room
• Picks up copy of "Magnolia Story" by Chip and Joanna Gaines and says, “Who would even buy this?” with no sense of irony
• Buys Kirkland-brand fleece hoodie for mother as birthday gift, not expecting her to figure out where it was purchased
• Never remarks, What kind of army needs *that* much pickle relish?
• Volunteers to the cashier, "Plastic bags are fine, unless you have paper."
• Derides snack bar, as though charging $1 for a cooked hot dog with unlimited condiments isn’t a roasted miracle on a soft bun in a capitalist society.

*If an alien encounter materializes, Costco members are advised to stand by at a sample kiosk and try not to gawk.