Reasons That Lady Is Unable to Move Her Yoga Mat To Accommodate Mine

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1.) Mercury is in retrograde and she’s bound to tip over and you know--dominoes.

2.) Oosh--haha! She wonders if you think we’ll all fit? All 3 of us in a row?

3.) She’s wearing new lululemon and she’s not sure if they’re see-through.

4.) Because why? Did you get a Groupon for this class or something?

5.) She just watched the Amy Cuddy TED Talk about power stances and this is NOT THE DAY to ask her to shrink back.

6.) She would, but she just told the mustachioed guy, you know the one who doesn’t believe in deodorant, that there wasn’t enough room.

7.) Trust her. She made garlic snape pesto last night and hooodoggies! She’ll be sweating it out of her pores ‘til tomorrow!

8.) Hold on, she just got ReTweeted by Joanna Gaines and she needs to ReTweet the ReTweet right now.

9.) Something about it being time we built that border wall already….

10.) Cooties.

11.) She already set her intention and moving was not something she manifested.

12.) She’s about to teach the class, so yeah, she’s going to stay where she is, right here, up in front.

I thought Instant Pot was a quick way to score weed? and other FAQ’s

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I purchased my Instant Pot during Amazon Prime Day but I didn’t tell anyone. Is it too late to take part in the Larger Instant Pot Conversation?

Oosh. I don't know, Howard Hughes. Because really. What were you thinking, keeping a picture of the box arriving on your doorstep to yourself? Are you also the kind of monster who doesn’t take a picture of latte art LIKE IT DIDN’T EVEN HAPPEN?!

I bought my Instant Pot because White Facebook told me to. Should I open the box?

Yo. This isn’t like Holiday Barbie 1989. You should probably open it and put it on the counter alongside the The Magnolia Journal and a sprig of holly so White Instagam knows you’re legit.

I’ve heard you can make chicken soup in an Instant Pot in the span of 3 commercial breaks. But, like, what kind of commercials are we talking?

Listen. It was a crap metaphor. Instant Pot works like TiVo. It already lets you fast forward through commercials. Even the Geico ones which are hilarious. It probably even picks out things you might like. But just press the right buttons, mmkay?

I didn’t register for an Instant Pot when we got married because they weren’t invented yet. Now I really want to trade it in for my Crock Pot. I’ve also heard that Instant Pots can replace rice cookers. Is that true?

Questions about swapping out are something you and Marie Kondo are going to have to work out on your own. Will it spark lust? Jealousy? These are the keys to figuring it all out.

My husband purchased me an off-brand Instant Pot and I’m not sure what this all means?

Three words: stainless steel liner. No one will blame you when you file for divorce on account of not having one. A knock-off brand? Man, that’s cold.

AirBnB hasn’t created a filter yet for identifying which properties have Instant Pots. Do you think I should riot?

At least start a hashtag #MakingAirBnBGreatAgain and see if it can gain some traction. Pro-tip: KimYe is still a little gun-shy about AirBnB so maybe don’t bark up that tree for a retweet. Especially since we know Kim isn’t wearing clothes in that tree, but that is neither here nor there.

Should I be nervous about bringing an appliance into my home that, if opened at the wrong time, could shoot quarts of hot lava onto my skin or the skin of my loved ones?

I mean...define nervous. Next thing you’re going to ask is if any kid has ever swallowed a marble from Hungry Hungry Hippos. Pshh. No. Doy!

Does Instant Pot ever get people knocking on its door wondering if this is a quick way to score weed?

Please do not joke about this within or about the Instant Pot community.

Directions for my Memorial Slideshow

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Whereas your mother is of a sound mind on this day the 11th day of January in the year 2018, she will be henceforth referred to as the Deceased. The Deceased shall entrust members of family, namely her children and eventual publishers of her memoir(s) to handle the attendant Memorial Service Slideshow according to these irrevocable conditions:  

  • Archival photos in which the Deceased appears to be volunteering in children’s school or at least has Eyebrows on Fleek shall be given preferential placement in the slideshow arrangement.

 

  • Archival photos that feature the Deceased wearing mom jeans, other pleated slacks, or more than one chin should be used sparingly, if at all.

 

  • Under no circumstances shall images in which the Deceased appears to be holding more than one beverage in more than one hand be used in the slideshow.

 

  • All musical selections should be vetted against the Deceased’s playlists on Spotify. If Spotify ceases to exist, under no circumstances should any songs be drawn from the Bob Carlisle’s “Butterfly Kisses” album.

 

  • Unattributable quotations, such as “Live, Laugh, Love” will cause the Deceased to rage from The Beyond and should be used under no circumstances.

 

  • All text slides should utilize a sans serif font. Okay, just kidding. Don’t go getting crazy and using Curlz or Comic Sans or something totally insane, ya wingdings.

 

  • Preludes to the slideshow should be limited to live duets by Lea Michele and Chris Colfer in the spirit of “Defying Gravity” as seen on “Glee” (Season 1, Episode 9). OBVI.  

 

  • Postludes should be brief but meditative and probably entail a string instrument.

 

  • It is the Deceased’s wish that you would find yourselves crying throughout the slideshow because you found a reason to miss her -- I mean, HOW MANY TIMES was Leroy the Elf not moved in the morning? -- and not because the slideshow was triggering in a certain kind of way.

 

  • Length of entire slideshow should be appropriately long based on years Deceased was alive, and just awkward enough for any ex-boyfriends present.
  • The Deceased wishes to vouchsafe the fact that there are fun-size packs of Goldfish crackers for each of you in the vault if you get hungry.