Not Finding, Not Looking

I've been not looking for something for a while now. And the upside of not looking for something is finding something different and maybe even better in its stead.

I have been not looking for balance for almost two years now. A sweet and wise friend told me after I had my son (when life really began for me as a juggling mother of two) to stop trying to seek the balance. To cease this vain search for something that would forever prove elusive and possibly non-existent.

She told me instead to try and find a rhythm that would jive with me. To recognize the erratic ebb and flow of life and to accept that some days are just going to be Too Honking Much for One Woman and then let us hope for several days of peacefulness henceforth.

That thought, that simple principle of abandoning this ommmmmming yogi who keeps all things centered in lotus position, in exchange for BRING ON THIS MESS because cleaning up spills is good exercise for my core? This is what is working for me.

When I seek the balance, I am looking to myself and hoping that I don't tip over.

When I seek to find a rhythm, I am looking God-ward, asking for increased strength to weather the choppy notes, and lifting up thanks for those rare gifts of grace notes.

***

The past two weeks, my winter depression has been trying to steamroll me. I feel the depressed feelings in my very cheekbones; my face is achey.

I have been quite good at preparing for my classes and staying on top of trends and reports in my field.

But that? That is all.

I know this rhythm, though. I know where the notes on this scale resume after this breve, after this rest.

***

I received a voicemail from Baby Girl's teacher last week. I retrieved this message after lunch was over. After, specifically, the lunch where I was supposed to show up as a lunch guest. The lunch guest appointment that I should have written down in my planner when it was assigned in September.

I spent about 5 seconds self-examining WHAT KIND OF PARENT DOES THIS? WHO AM I? I DON'T DESERVE TO EAT OR BUY NEW LOAFERS EVER AGAIN!!!

I know this rhythm, though. I know that Baby Girl will forgive me and that sweeter notes are on the next bar.

***

In other hair-raising news, Little Man is a photo stahh. Stay tuned for more from Inspired Magazine.