Portrait Taker: Inquire within

I am seeking a photographer to capture a few portraits of me to be used for my website, business cards, and social media. Nothing spectacular. It's probably a 30 minute job. I'm just hoping to find someone who knows a few things about candids and lighting and composition. ***

I'm hoping he or she can cast me in light that is a little bit Maxfield Parrish painting, a little bit Thomas Kinkade. As a guide, I'd tell the photographer that the closer my skin looks to the texture and color of white rose petals, the better. I understand some photographers are also editors, so it would be excellent to hire one that could both shoot as well as Photoshop my hair from thin and overprocessed to more Shakira at the CMAs.  I'd like for my expression to be serious and subdued in a few of the shots, which are expressions I have never been capable of making, so the photographer should be well-read and practiced in the techniques suggested by "An Actor Prepares" by Constantin Stanislavsky. I would be especially interested to hire a photographer who could refract the sun's rays in such a way that my muffin top would look less "two pregnancies later" and more "Tracy Anderson Method." The general aura of the photos should be professional but also very glamorous, causing passersby to wonder if I am in fact both a published author as well as a supermodel spokeswoman for juicing.  I haven't yet decided on attire, so if the photographer could suggest an ensemble that would incorporate all the attire I pin to a Pinterest board called "In My Dreams," I would consider hiring him or her for a trial session. You know, to see what he or she's made of.

All interested photographers with 5-7 years of experience, please inquire within. Those expecting payment in American Dollars need not apply.