Portrait Taker: Inquire within

I am seeking a photographer to capture a few portraits of me to be used for my website, business cards, and social media. Nothing spectacular. It's probably a 30 minute job. I'm just hoping to find someone who knows a few things about candids and lighting and composition. ***

I'm hoping he or she can cast me in light that is a little bit Maxfield Parrish painting, a little bit Thomas Kinkade. As a guide, I'd tell the photographer that the closer my skin looks to the texture and color of white rose petals, the better. I understand some photographers are also editors, so it would be excellent to hire one that could both shoot as well as Photoshop my hair from thin and overprocessed to more Shakira at the CMAs.  I'd like for my expression to be serious and subdued in a few of the shots, which are expressions I have never been capable of making, so the photographer should be well-read and practiced in the techniques suggested by "An Actor Prepares" by Constantin Stanislavsky. I would be especially interested to hire a photographer who could refract the sun's rays in such a way that my muffin top would look less "two pregnancies later" and more "Tracy Anderson Method." The general aura of the photos should be professional but also very glamorous, causing passersby to wonder if I am in fact both a published author as well as a supermodel spokeswoman for juicing.  I haven't yet decided on attire, so if the photographer could suggest an ensemble that would incorporate all the attire I pin to a Pinterest board called "In My Dreams," I would consider hiring him or her for a trial session. You know, to see what he or she's made of.

All interested photographers with 5-7 years of experience, please inquire within. Those expecting payment in American Dollars need not apply.

Bathroom Humor

Just to offer our readership a peek into the stall of epiphanies, here is an excerpt from a recent inner monologue: I really miss the Stall Street Journal. I thought all colleges had flyers and other literature papering their bathrooms. They were so enlightening; they just sort of assaulted us with helpful info. while we tinkled.

Ah, but here, here is something to read. We've got a free sleeve of Necessities Courtesy Bags.

First of all, is that font with that pale blue 1950s bathroom tile color even used anymore? Or only ironically? And is that floral outline universally understood as the official symbol of feminine sanitary needs?

I'm really glad it's called Necessities courtesy bag. It's just so clear. You can put whatever it is you call Necessities inside of it. As long it is not heavier than a marble as the seams are rather flimsy, and as long as they have been trademarked, Necessities. Who knew that word was proprietary?

I'm thankful, also, they've labeled the bag a courtesy one. I wasn't sure if I should compensate the invisible bathroom attendant that greeted me with an invisible wave when I entered. Furthermore, the subtext is extremely helpful: FOR YOUR NEEDS AWAY FROM HOME. It is kind of the purveyors of these courtesy bags to recognize that needs do not always strike at home. In fact, I find myself on the needier side whenever I am not at home (just me?)....

Courteous as well is the triple translation of this message. I hate it when I am in a bathroom where the necessities bag directives are not in my first language. I get so doggone confused, comprenez vous? These purveyors really are the most understanding of all. They surmise that needs do not arise exclusively in the home--but sometimes even outside of one's home country!

The message on the back of the bag is equally helpful (if, of course, you read English). One might wonder whatever to do with such a helpful bag. Keep as a souvenir? Add to a time capsule? Upcycle as Christmas tree ornament? The possibilities are practically limitless and yet here comes a polite request in Helvetica caps to please dispose of this bag. Presumably when it has courteously fulfilled your necessities. Confusion comes when the materials within might not be recyclable. I trust that disposing of this in a receptacle of my choice will still be pleasing to the good people of Necessities courtesy bags. They've already recognized I am not always home or even in my home country, leading me to think that a tagline for this bag in the future might be simply: When a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do....

One more important piece of advice for the #freshman in #college

From my heart and laundrybasket to yours....